Presidential Tantrums

PROTECT AMERICAN FOOD CULTURE FROM OVERSIZED WIENER-SHAPED FOODS

EXECUTIVE ORDER

By the authority vested in me as President of the United States by the Constitution and the laws of the United States of America, I, DOOFUS J. TRUMP, hereby issue the following Executive Order to ensure the safety, dignity, and great American tradition of proper food proportions:

Section 1. Purpose

For too long, America has been plagued by the unchecked rise of wiener-shaped foods exceeding reasonable sizes. These elongated foods—hot dogs, corn dogs, bananas, cucumbers, large sausages, and corn on the cob—pose a serious cultural and visual threat to our great nation. We are making America great again by ensuring that no food exceeds two (2) inches in length if it resembles a wiener in any way, shape, or form. Only baby corn, baby corn dogs, and similar modestly sized items will be permitted. Additionally, any food that is hard to eat with small hands is hereby banned. Americans deserve food that is comfortable and easy to handle, no matter the size of their hands.

Section 2. Definitions

  1. Wiener-Shaped Foods - Any food product that is cylindrical, elongated, and primarily consumed by hand in a vertical or horizontal manner.
  2. Prohibited Items - Any wiener-shaped food measuring longer than two (2) inches in length, including but not limited to:
    1. Hot dogs
    2. Corn dogs
    3. Bananas (whole, uncut)
    4. Cucumbers
    5. Large pickles
    6. Corn on the cob (unless baby-sized)
    7. Footlong subs, if primarily consisting of cylindrical meats
    8. Any food that is difficult to eat with small hands
  3. Permitted Items - Any item within compliance, such as:
    1. Baby corn dogs
    2. Baby corn
    3. Small cocktail sausages
    4. Sliced bananas, only if pre-cut before consumption
    5. Any food that can be easily handled by small hands

Section 3. Enforcement

  1. Any establishment, vendor, or private citizen found distributing, selling, or consuming wiener-shaped foods longer than two (2) inches or any food difficult to eat with small hands will face immediate review and potential penalties, including but not limited to:
    1. A fine of up to $10,000 per offense
    2. Confiscation of all oversized wiener-shaped foods
    3. Mandatory re-education on acceptable American food shapes
  2. A new Department of Food Integrity (DFI) will be established to monitor compliance and ensure all food consumed in America is properly shaped and proportioned.

Section 4. Implementation

This order takes effect immediately. Grocery stores, restaurants, and food manufacturers must comply within 30 days. Any violation of this order will be met with swift and tremendous action.

America will no longer be the land of oversized wieners! We will have strong, small, properly portioned foods. No more threats from footlongs, no more intimidation from big bananas. Only the best, the greatest, the most properly sized foods for our people. And most importantly, food should always be easy to eat, even for those with small hands.

Section 5. Exceptions

Exceptions may be granted on a case-by-case basis for medical reasons, ceremonial purposes, or consumption by small children. However, all exceptions must be approved by the Department of Food Integrity.